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UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



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A POETICAL SATIRE, 



OCTAV 



NEWARK. N. J 



The Naughty Man: 



OR, 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 



Love, Courtship and Marriage in High Life. 



A POETICAL SATIRE. 



X 



A. 



OCTAVIUS. ! 



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^alyi/h th . ^;^^^ 



NEWARK, N. J.: 

F. C. BLISS & CO., PUBLISEIERS. 
1878. 




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Copyright, 1878, by F. C. Bliss & Co. 



The Naughty Man 



OR, 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 



I 




^Iji^pESSONS we learn from what we daily see 
^M Of good or eidl, if philosophy, 

Based on those great First Truths^ 
will hold the mind 
Within its limits — happiness to find. 
4"^ Those o-reat First Truths will teach the hnman 

soul 
That the equator lies not at the pole, 



,1^ 



G THE NAUGHTY MAN; OR, 

That man before his own nose cannot walk, 
That man without liis j^ahate cannot talk; 
That gravitation tends not to the sk)^, 
But to Earth's center, should he try to flj. 







II 

Much of delusion mixed with truth we find. 
Strange whims, and twinings in the human 
mind : 



Sm THOMA.S BROAVN. 



Delusions, fictions, foibles, glittering lies, 
Frescoed witli truth, seem real as the skies. 
At the same table, sitting side by side. 
Oft we do see Humility and Pride, 
Wit, Genius, Learning, the great man of law, 
In social converse with the man of straw. 
Extremes oft meet around the festive board. 
An honest beggar and a thieving lord ; 




8 THE NAUGHTY MAN; OR, 

Jew, Gentile, Greek, will with the Christian sit,. 
Say grace, or not — it matters not a whit; 
They pass the time most pleasantly away. 
But cheat each other on the coming day. 
The rich, the poor, the freeman and the slave^ 
The noble monarch and the princely knave, 
Are onward floating with the ebbing tide 
Down the gi'eat stream of life — on every side 
Dangers beset — on the storm-beaten coast 
Are wreck' d together — in the grave are lost 

III 

If life is but gas, as some icivcmts say. 

Or caused by some general harmony, 

Or principle inherent in the blood. 

Or blood is life itself, as Hunter prov'd, 

What matters it? Doctors may disagree 

On subjects which concern not you or me. 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 9 

Most foolish things wise men have oft con- 
ceived ; 
More foohsh should we seem if we believed 
Their theories ; for instance, they did plan 
A lofty tower, thus to enable man 
To clamber into Heaven. This "Babel" 
Seems to us unreal as a fable. 
But other "Babels" on the social stage 
Men oft have rear'd, e'en in their hoary age, 
Thinking therein true happiness to find, 
Sharing its joys with some congenial mind. 
If love, hope, courage, bind their hearts within, 
What care they for their neighbors, kith, or 
kin ? 



lY. 



Once on a time, not many days ago, 

When many taught there was no hell below, 



10 THE NAUGHTY MAN; OR, 

Not in the spring, or love\y month of May, 
When Ijirds did sweetly sing, and fields look'd 

gay, 

When flowers were fresh, and opening buds 

were fair, 
When brides look'd lovely — blossoms in their 

hair: 
Oh, no I 'twas the last day of dying year, 
A raw, cold winter's day, frosty and clear : 
What then took place, permit me to rehearse, 
Not in stale prose, but in more lively verse ; 
And if, perchance, to make complete a rhyme, 
Or try to make a jingling couplet chime, 
I should speak boldly — but, of course, sincere — 
Don't think the truth T utter too severe; 
And do not say — ''thou little groveling elf, 
Turn thine eyes inward — look upon thyself." 
Most flattering words from eager lips may fly, 
But shall I pause to harmonize a lie? 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 11 

If, with my pen, I use most comic art, 
To 'mend tlie manners, or reform tlie lieart, 
Don't think I do it ont of any spite ; 
Surely ! I would not libel one, a mite. 
I use fictitious names — the facts I give 
In a mild form, to save the sensitive. 



In the great city Gotham, near the sea, 
Where Queen Fashion ruhd the aristocracy, 
Lived the proud millionnaire. Sir Thomas Brown, 
With riches enough to purchase a croAvn ; 
He had sons, and daughtei-s settled in life, 
He was a widower, having no wife, 
True ! he was old, being now eighty-three, 
Bat manao-ed to o;et down to breakfast, and 

tea, 
His eyesight grown dim, and shaky his hand, 
Of course — needed help to button a band, 



12 



THE NAUGHTY MAN ; OR, 



In making his toilet — no^Y, pray don't stare - 
He wanted some one to comb out his hair, 




To brush his new teeth -^ put on his collar, 
To dust off his clothes, and things that follow. 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 13 

'Tis true ! it gave all the children pleasure, 
To dust, brash and scrub him without measure. 
Now this ancieut relic of ages past, 
This human caricature, worthy of Nast, 
This feeble old man, one foot in the grave. 
Inspir'd by Cupid, at once became brave. 
So he hobbled around, seeking for Euth, 
And found her a widow, blooming in youth. 
A widow ! ah, yes ! now that was a fact. 
Possessing much good sense in the abstract ; 
Sir Thomas was human ! why then complain ? 
We are all human, in sunshine or rain. 

YL 

But who was Euth? methinks I hear you say. 

Ill answer in mine own peculiar way : 

Her eyes were sparkling — as brilliant and 

bright 
As glittering stars in a clear frosty night, 



IJ: THE NAUGHTY MAN ; OR, 

Her head was bedecked with beautiful baii\ 




4i if^f il/f/ ./■■ 



Her teeth well preserved — her complexion fair, 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 15 

With a smiling face — lips red as a clieny, 
She would laugh, sing, and chat, ever make 

meny ; 
A leader of fashions, lively and gay. 
She turned day into night — night into day; 
Most fully developed, with full rounded arms, 
No wonder frail men were struck with her 

charms ; 
In London, Paris, on Italia's soil. 
She played all her games according to Iloyle, 
She homage received from men of all ranks. 
Returned them no love — but simply her thanks. 
A })ure, spotless virgin, true ! she was not, 
But a superb widow ! without a spot 
Or blemish to mar ; a Yenus in form ; 
No wonder she took her lovers by storm. 

VII. 

Now this human fossil, Sir Thomas Brown, 
Considered by some a fool, or a clown, 



16 THE NAUGHTY MAN; OR, 

By otliers — -mong wliom, his children we 

name — 
As "77071 comioos mentis j'^ being the same 
As out of his head, or out of his mind, 
No matter which, for in love we are blind, 
Having met Mrs. Euth as stated before, 
He began at once to love and adore. 
" Just the thing," quoth he, " for one of mv 

age. 
Though friends may laugh and children maj 

rage, 
I'll offer my wealth, my heart and my name. 
If she but accepts, a nice little game 
We'll play upon all ; in secret we'll wed, 
Regardless of others — no matter what's said." 
Strange things have hapjDcned, stranger to 

relate, 
How she, this buxom widow, as by fate, 
Selected this old man to be her mate. 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 17 

If Cupid does go with bows and arrows, 
If Yenus does keep lier coach and sparrows 
As some poets sa_y, Avliile otliers qnibble. — 
Surely ! tliese things help to explain the riddle. 
Not he who cannot love, but he who can. 
Shows the kind heart, and proves himself a 
man. 

VIII. 

I need not tell how this Sir Thomas Brown, 
Made love to this lady of great renown. 
And offer'd this sweet and beautiful dame 
In accents most tender, his heart and name; 
How he was accepted, and on said day — 
The last of the year, he led her away 
To the Altar — the twain became one, 
In spite of his children, daughter and son. 
'Twas nicely ari-anged, 'twas secretly planned — 
The bride — she looked sweet, the groom — he 
looked bland. 



18 THE NAUGHTY MAN; OR, 

No maids, no groomsmen attended them there,. | 

The Priest tied the knot with hig usual care. 

Now married — they went at once to her home, 

For she lived in style, and almost alone, 

With servants, 'tis true — perliaps half-a-score, 

Including the one who guarded the door; 

And there for weeks, they in quiet remained. 

For seeking seclusion, cannot be lolamed. 

He, now being blessed with a charming wife^ 

She, to his' comfort devoting her life ; 

They laughed, and joked, and cut their capers, 

As they read together the morning papers. 

IX. 

These papers, of course, were filled with the 

fun — 
The Tribune, the World^ the Times and the 

Sun, 
Each gave to the facts a different hue. 
And each one proclaimed its own statement true ; 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 19 

Tlieir big black bulletins chalked o'ei' in white, 
Gave all the latest news from morn till night ; 
Ofttimes, 'tis true, they, made a huge blunder — 
They must bell their jiaj^ers — ^tis no wonder I 
Plaster and whitewash is the stuff they use — 
The pen is but a trowel to abuse. 
But why complain ? at least 'tis unavailing ; 
Why, such mistakes are but reporter's failing; 
If they won't fib what bounty can they crave? 
We pay for what we want — not what we liave. 

X. 

Like whirlwinds disturbing a night's repose, 
Came whispered breathings ; then loud cries arose, 
Some boldly cursed this matrimonial life, 
Some cursed the old man, and some cursed 

the wife. 
As ancient Hero's are renown'd in song 
For rescuing virtue from the oppressor's wrong, 



20 



THE NAUGHTY MAN ; OR, 



So let these stand on tlie historic page 
■As the o-reat living l)oml)asts of the age; 




In the great sermons they do daity preacli, 
In the great lessons they do daily teach, 
They ring the faults of others — not their own, 
They growl and snarl like a dog with his bone ; 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 21 

They villifv others — glorify self, 
Ofttimes the}^ do it for mere worldly pelf ; 
They weep and groan with apparent sorrow, ' 
At things they will do themselves on, the 

morrow. 
Lils:e crested snake in Afric's sunny vales. 
Which shifts its skin, throws off its tarnished 

scales, 
So will they change their colors — seem more 

young, 
But carry poisonous venom in each tongue. 

XI. 

The nearest of kin and expectant heirs, 
Still hoping to hold the estate as theirs 
By hook or crook — it mattered not how — 
Before the golden-calf ready to bow. 
At once they declared the " old man " insane, 
That the widow had acted simply for gain — 



22 

A clear case of fraud ! she took him by stealth, 
Expecting thereby to seize his great wealth ; 
A ^' i^ariiceps criminis^^' so the}' said — 
A divorce must be had from board and bed. 
Thc}^ rushed iuto law, deep vengeance they 

swore, 
Pi'oduced affidavits — a dozeu or luore ; 
Applied for a Writ^ which you well kuow 
Is called " De Lunalico Inquirendo^'' 
But how to serve it — that was the ques- 
tion ; 
They could not get into the lady's mansion, 
For the color'd porter at window stood, 
With a shining face, in a laughing mood, 
And to the question, " Is Mr. Brown at homfe?" 
Would reply, '^ Mr. and Misses 'ai'e' gone ' ' 
On a southern' tout ;" then, '^nth'twinkling eye. 
Would smilingly add, " They''H '-'be' home by 
r- and bv." '' '' ■ ■■''■^'^'- -'^"^ ^"''-^ ^ ^' 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 23 



XII. 



But the Writ was served by an authorized 

mode — 
Not " personal," but as prescribed by the 

"Code;" 
Commissioners appointed, one, two and three, 
In matters ex-par (e must surely agree. 
But now he displayed both wisdom and pluck, 
His head was all right, and so was his luck; 
Sir Thomas appeared in a legalized way, 
By Counsel appeared, and presented a " Stay" 
An " Order of Couri,^^ Avhich all must abide, 
The first step to set all proceedings aside. 
He said to his law^yer, a man of renown, 
"111 show them I'm neither a fool or a clown. 
They swore I was crazy, and out of my mind, 
An old dotard they called me — lame, halt, and 

blind ; 



24 THE NAUGHTY MAN; OR, 

They shall take it all back ! a stroke of my pen 
Shall force them to cry out Amen! and Amen! 
Haying conquered thus far, possessing my wife, 
I'll heal up old sores — preyent further strife; 
Matters now doubtful, shall by law be made 

plain, 
My children no longer shall curse, or complain^ 
So sit down at once — do all in your power, 
To haye this my ^ Last WilV complete in an 

hour ; 
The words I will dictate to you, my dear 

friend, 
Your wisdom and judgment, I trust, will com- 
mend." 

XIIL 

Last Will and Testamkxt of Sir Thomas 
Brovyn, 

Signed, \yitnessed, and sealed — it was all writ- 
ten down 



SIR THOMA.S BROWN. 25 

By bis dear friend, the lawyer of great renown. 




'Mong liis sons, who liad boldly pronounced 

him insane ; 
'Mong his daughters, who called him foolish 

and vain ; 
Mong his heirs, who. greatly embittered the 

strife ■ 
By coarsely defaming his l)eautifal wife; 



26 

He gave, and bequeathed (calling each one bv 
name), 

In trust — nevertheless, for the use of the same, 

Nearl}^ all of his wealth, and princel)^ estate. 

How much was reserved, it is needless to state. 

Unselfish act! Such acts are never seen 

Performed by men controlled by hate, or 

spleen, 
Which, like the adder's venom — viper's breath — 

Are but the obnoxious messengers of death. 
Unselfish act! And that stroke of his pen, 
Porced his children to cry Amen ! and Amen ; 

Admit he was sane when he made his Last 

Will, 
If then he was sane, .he must be so still, 
And if so still — for a moment, consider, 
Was he not sane when he, married the widow? 
Respecting his wife, who took him by stealth, 
As some boldly say, to obtain, his great wealth. 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 27 

How comes it, pmy tell me, that in the same 

hour 
He signed the Will, she relinquished her 

Dower ? 
His head always level, her heart always true. 
Let us wish them God-speed, and bid them 

adieu. 

XIY. 

Things arc somewhat reversed, when wisdom 

and age 
Are counted as nothing— as fools on the stage ; 
If a man wants to marry — strange' as it seems— 
Must he ask liis dcnr children, still in their 

'teens ? 
"Must he say to thern, "Children^ please, may I 

marry T^ 
And if they refuse, should he raise the Old 

Harry? 



28 



THE NAUGHTY MAN; OR, 



||| il 'ililii , liiPi III I'iijit 'If III" i ' H Ml ililix III , II, 1 1 1| 'i 1^ I |,i[li || illlllh I h ' 




If a widow would marry — sometimes tlie 

case — 
Mngt slie call in the neighbors as a preface, 
And ask their consent that she wed Mr. Brown, 
Or be laughed at — defamed, throughout the 

town ? 
We will not attempt at this time to relate, 
The (Lano-ers attendino- the marital state — ^ 



SIR THOMAS BROWN. 



29 



A good loving liusband, witli a virtuous wife 
Of course, Avill augment all the joj^s of life; 
Erom this stated axiom we cannot flj, 
Por this self-evident truth, is not a lie. 
If Wedlock's a lottery, as some maintain, 
Then some will be losers, and some will gain; 
If trusting to fate, or trusting to chance, 
Powerless to act, as in nightmare or trance — 
You marry a rake, or marry a shrew, 
The blame must be laid, as it should be, on 
you, 




30 THE NAUGHTY MAN. 

For he is a fool deserving of pains, 
Who marries without consulting his brains; 
The brains and heart must work together, 
If you would sail through life in cloudless 
weather. 












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